After a week back up around Boquete, time enough to cool down, we left on the bus to Panama city on Tuesday morning.  What should have been a non-eventful trip turned out to be mostly that, but with a 2 hour delay about an hour out of David due to some protest that blocked off the entire InterAmerican highway.  Neither of us have a clue what it was all about, nor did we even realize we were being delayed due to a protest until we were finally driving past it.  That bus turned out to be the milk run into Panama City, stopping to pick up anyone with a chicken, and got there right during rush hour.  As bad as I thought it was going to be, we did actually get into the terminal with reasonable speed, but I guess that leg of the trip should have been a warning to us…

The next day was spent running around Panama getting a few things here and there.  A big bag of coffee for one thing, a few Bic lighters for another (which we struck out on!!), some wall switches that won’t pass CSA standards, but answer the problem in my bathroom nicely, so screw it.  The CSA is too tightly wound anyways.

Then came the count of how much money was left for the spending that needed to be done.  Lemme see, $30 to the airport, $20 for dinner, $10 for breakfast, etc… so the decision was made to try and change the Canadian money we had to yankee buks instead of going to the bank machine and getting dinged another $4 service charge just to take out $50.

So began the long walk looking for a “Casa de Cambio” — which are not as common as one might think — after trying to do this at a bank and being told “No”.  Just “no”.

The walk was like pin-ball, asking directions here and there, until finally we found it, only to find out they would only offer 50c on every dollar.  “No” was my answer… just “no”.

So I got out $100 buks from the bank machine, and put that to bed.

The next morning came early enough.  Cass was already up, buzzing about, happy to be on the way home.  We had a coffee downstairs, then jumped into a “cab” (really just a guy with his mini-van) to the airport for $26, and dropped off our luggage at the check in.  We had to pay another $30 for the extra bag, but that was expected. Then the check -in girl told us we wouldn’t have to claim our bags in Houston… awesome!  That’s part of the PITA of transiting the USA.

So that was the morning, and everything seemed to be going OK, until we got on the plane, and sat there, and sat there.  Eventually, the captain came on over the intercom to announce “some issue (being as vague as possible) with the instruments” was causing the delay.  OK, thanks for that info…

We sat at the gate for another one and a half hours before they began to de-plane us, only to turn us right back around just as soon as my foot finally started toward the door of the plane.  Well, Yahooo, because that was going to be faster than getting another plane together for us.  Oh yeah, the apparent cause was a faulty gas gauge, and the apparent answer was to “reboot” the plane.  Nice, re-assuring and all that, now let’s go!!!

By the time we got into the air, we were two hours late, gobbling up the layover time we had in Houston.  Everyone on board is counting their minutes between their connecting flights, so it was asked if we had to claim our bags now that the plane was late.

Not all stewards are meant to be flight attendants, and this one told us we did have to claim our luggage (was a bit of an ass, actually), and we had been given bad information.  This didn’t actually turn out to be true, but now we are thinking that we’ll have to wait at the carousel to claim our bags, then do customs, then go through security again, check our bags somewhere, find our gate somewhere (because it still wasn’t assigned), and do it all in 1 hour.

No problem.  Houston airport is multiples the size of EIA, so it was quite the speed walk to make the other gate, and it was along the way that we discovered we didn’t actually have to claim our bags because our connecting flight was with United Airlines as well.  All we had to do was get through this massive lineup at security, at which EVERYONE had to go through the body scanner, and then we could finally get near the monitors to learn where we were to go.

Another fantastic speed walk later, and we were at Terminal C, where there was just enough time for Cass to take a pee and walk onto the plane 10 min before departure.  Now, if all my flights were with this little waiting, that would be alright, but what a bugger UA made of this flight.

In the midst of all that was the arrogant little prick of a US Customs Official (that made Cass soooo mad she swore at him and got herself cordoned off to the side for a while -lol), which is the source of most of my reticence to ever setting foot in the excited states in the first place.   Little men with big guns are best avoided…   So I would love to thank UA, HIA, and US Customs for proving my every point with absolute precision and clarity.

I have little doubt there will ever be argument over an additional fee to bypass the US in the future.

But wait, it’s not over!!!  In Edmonton, we got 2 out of three bags.  Woo hoo!  The one missing is the one with all the souvenirs in it, except for the big-ass bag of coffee.  The one still in Houston, got hung up by the TSA.  It wasn’t dangerous from Panama to Houston, but from that point forward, they just gotta be sure….  They’ll contact us when it clears customs tomorrow, and they say they’ll deliver it.  Of the two bags we did get, both were missing their locks, so the TSA smelled our underwear…

Then came the rubber glove search by Canadian Customs, who were at least much more pleasant to talk to, but because we had been in Panama for so long, we had to be drug dealers, right?  So every bag, every piece of clothing…  You just sit there and wait.  They even tested our toothbrushes.

It’s a good thing they didn’t test the money, because it’s all over it.

Please, don’t let this deter you from travel.  That’s precisely what they want.  Do, however, NOT transit the US to visit Central America, advice which, if taken, will preclude you from United Airways and their carnival of incompetence.

The both of us are glad to be back home again around familiar things.  I couldn’t remember which was the hot tap in the shower last night though, so it’s been long enough to forget some of the basics.  That was good for a laugh.

Socks, slippers, static electricity, coffee makers with too many buttons, heat, red light cameras, fast internet, seeing your breath, cold head, thick toilet paper, water pressure, hot/cold water, Muslims (not being racist you over-sensitive types, just that there are none down there), political correctness, high prices, colored plastic money, jeans and a belt, re-cycling, thin clouds, yellow eggs, 3% milk, and all those things I haven’t thought of just yet.

The trip is over for now, and it’s back to life as we knew it, and the discovery of how we’ve changed.

Ciao.